Would dogs give Father’s Day cards if they could? Of course they would! Dogs never pass up the opportunity to receive love and affection — and give it abundantly in return. However, dogs have unique personalities, just like humans. Some may be sweet and tender while others may be silly and sarcastic.

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“Well, at least you had one perfect dog.”

Ah, yes, the humble tidings of a dog forced to share his kingdom with other so-called canines. They may have four legs and fur, and maybe bark and growl, but these other dogs are not the proud, stately and ultra-loyal housewolf this type of companion fancies himself.

“Dad — so about those teenage years … my bad.”

Potty oopsies, shredded everything, restless nights … these are just a few of the joys of canine adolescence. You gotta give it to the dog who can recognize his own foibles and failings and owns up to it with licking and loving.

“Dad, there’s nobody I’d rather have to pick up my poo.”

Well, there’s a compliment you don’t hear every day! There’s a saying that when aliens arrive, they will think dogs are in charge because humans follow them and pick up their waste. Dogs may think they’re in charge for the same reasons. But at least they’re grateful for our scooping.

“Dad, without me, today is just another day.”

Can you imagine how boring and quiet our days would be without a furry friend packed with personality plus? It would be just a string of days without nuzzling, cuddling, wagging and playing with a creature who wants nothing more than to be by your side. Dogs live their lives without guile, and this card sentiment is just the truth, plain and simple.

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“If this Father’s Day card is late, blame the mailman.”

Because the dog ate him. Because the screen door wasn’t locked, and the dog barked ferociously. And the mailman ran/stomped/fumed away. Dogs can’t help it if the mailman smells weird and insists on trespassing!

“Dad, this card is redeemable for unlimited tech support — I’ll always be here to delete your cookies.”

Dogs have the kindest hearts, always more than willing to do their part — by cleaning up and eating up. Whether begging or stealing cookies or other treats, dogs firmly believe in the saying “Waste not, want not.”

“Happy Father’s Day from your little Shih-T(zu).”

This is all well and good for actual Shih-Tzus, but what about big- or medium-size dogs that act like little Shih-Tzus, if you catch my not-so-subtle drift? This is their funny way of saying, “I know who I am, I know you know who I am, and I love that you love me nevertheless.”

“A little bird told me it was Father’s Day … so I ate it.”

Ruh-roh! Kinda like the mailman. And the cookies. But this bird wasn’t nearly as delicious as the cookies. The mailman tasted bad, too — too bad he didn’t taste like chicken. But anyway, Happy Father’s Day.

“Have a paw-some Father’s Day!”

This is about as earnest and wholesome as it gets. Any dog who gives his “dad” an innocent and sentimental card like this is one of the best boys ever. Maybe throughout the year, Dad can work on his furry kid’s sense of humor and snark.

“I got you the Father’s Day gift that never stops giving — my fur everywhere.”

The light-as-air, slender threads of love that appear everywhere are constant reminders that your fur-kid (and his essence) has burrowed into every aspect of your life. Sparsely used closet? Fur. Bathtub? Fur. Tupperware drawer? You get the point. Why not give your human dad a card that is a gentle reminder that the constant dust bunnies and fluffs are your everyday gifts of love?

“Happy Father’s Day — having me as a dog should be gift enough. You’re welcome.”

Again with the bottomless humbleness! I’m beginning to think we have lots of very sarcastic and funny dogs out there. Well, then again, this column is a reflection of my own proclivities, so … what can I tell ya? I will tell you this: My husband, Reed, would expect a card just like this from our shepherds if they were to happen to give him one, and he would wholeheartedly agree, despite the boast: They are gift enough, indeed.