Sweaters, birthday parties, fake throws, dog shaming, pranks involving blankets and disappearing … the rigmarole we put our canine companions through is never ending. What if the tables could be turned and they could prank us? What if dogs could celebrate April Fool’s Day? I shudder at the thought. The payback would be harsh.

“I’ll trick my human into thinking I haven’t already been fed once.”

We certainly would be fools if we didn’t think that every single dog on this earth would go for this prank. In my household, we’ve given our dogs second dinner several times by accident — they didn’t even have to be involved! They wouldn’t waste talents on pretending to be starving, because we’re dumb enough to feed them more than once on our own! « Dog 1; human 0.

 “I’ll ignore her calls and make her think I’ve run away.”

Several times I’ve arrived home, only to be greeted by Mina and not Fritz. After many shout outs, I start to panic: “Ohmydog … did Fritz somehow get out and go a-wanderin’?!” Ever higher-pitched and frantic calls eventually culminate in me finding my “deaf” boy lounging in a tucked-away chair, looking at me like I’m a lunatic. “Huh. Maybe next time you’ll take me with you, woman.” « Dog 2; human 0.

“I’ll just blame this poop on my furry sibling.”

©smrm1977 | Getty Images

Despite our best efforts to ensure plenty of potty opportunities, sometimes poop happens. If our furry creatures participated in April Fool’s Day, you can bet your bottom dog they’d pull some kind of prank involving dookie. Carefully and strategically placed on a multicolor rug or flooring surface as to camouflage it. And wait for it to get cold. And then do a doggie laugh as human steps in it, sans socks. I know this from personal experience. « Dog 3; human 0; dog sibling shouldering blame 0.

“I’ll stare off into this dark corner of the house, lay back my ears and growl.”

Dogs know that humans are often weird and irrational creatures. If they knew that some of us were superstitious, believed in spirits and believed that looking between a dog’s ears could visibly reveal the presence of a ghost, they would be for sure 100% messing with us at every opportunity. Especially after watching a scary movie or while alone. My female shepherd, Mina, who is very sensitive to everything anyway, is a great one for this. If I didn’t have my male shepherd, Fritz, nearby to counteract Mina’s overwrought vigilance into open closets and scary hallways with his continual lazing and snoring, I’d be worried for sure. « Dog 4; human 0.

“Look, Ma! I found a friend!”

I don’t know about your dogs, but if mine ever got ahold of that squirrel who taunts them constantly, they’d bring it straight to me just for the entertainment value. They’d bring anything they thought would shock me straight onto my lap and jump and prance for joy, thinking my scream was in delight. « Dog 5; human 0.

“I’ll wait for Mom to leave the kitchen and then steal (insert food of choice here) and make her think she’s crazy.”

Not too long ago, I cut and prepared 2 pounds of salmon with salt, pepper and olive oil and left it on the counter on a cutting board, waiting for my family to return for the evening before I started to cook it. I poured myself a glass of wine and sat directly outside the kitchen to enjoy some afternoon sunshine and fresh air. After 10 minutes, I went back inside to check on a few other things, but something was wrong. Something I couldn’t put my finger on right away. Then it hit me: The salmon was gone. All 2 pounds of it. Disappeared into thin air. Utterly incredulous, I looked at both dogs. Fritz would never. Mina, always the opportunist and never guilty about things that bring her so much joy, looked at me with her angelic, soulful eyes and breathed on me with the heaviest of salmon breath. « Dog 6; human (and family) 0.

 “I’ll just roll in this dirt and mud after getting a bath. Joke’s on you, Mom!”

©fotyma | Getty Images

My dogs hate water. No amount of cooing and cajoling would ever cure them of their hatred of getting bathed. Can I share how many times I’ve bathed them, which is no small feat, as they’re both 85 pounds, only to turn around 20 minutes later to see they’ve rolled in something gross? As if to say, “I don’t like baths, and here’s what I think of them — and you!” « Dogs 7; human 0.

Yep, there’s no doubt. If dogs dug their paws into the April Fool’s tradition, we’d be toast. Good thing for us they’re much more interested in food, hikes, cuddles and love.